The annual Bulwer-Lytton Fiction writing contest: (the worst opening sentence)
Miscellaneous Dishonorable Mentions
As I stood next to the deathbed I could hear a whisper full of desperate urgency: "I have to confess something to you! I am not your sister! I am your mother!!" to which I just nodded and said, "Of course, grandpa."
Jose Beltrán Escavy, The Hague
They were tough men with tough jobs who frequented tough bars with rough, tough atmospheres, and the way they gripped their drinks, cigars, and cigarettes in a manly fashion never failed to impress the tough, hard-faced women who also frequented those same bars, and often ended up having their babies.
Adam Johnson, Longmont, CO
The aroma of the madeleines stimulated Marcel’s intense memory of a woman from his past, coincidentally not named Madeleine but Gladys, who smelled like the Dickens so he decided to order the gruel instead.
Lee Grossman, Oakland, CA
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times – though any decent statistician might net those two factors together and conclude that things were fairly average all round.
David Meech, Auckland, New Zealand
The price was cheap, thought P.I. George Brown, but renting an office out the back of Farmer Frizzle's poultry barn didn't make the best of impressions, what with the spread-eagled cassowary mounted on the wall, the eggshells his clients had to walk on to get to his desk, and the barn's P.A. system, which continuously blared Radio 2020 CHICKEN FM (bock-bock-bock).
Sarah Totton, Guelph, Ontario
It was going to be one of those nights, maybe not dark and stormy, but nebulous and heavy, nevertheless; the kind of night you would endure rather than survive, the kind of night you would fear but could not anticipate, the kind of night I would weather as I had a thousand nights before with the steadfast companions who would once again escort me to dawn: Patsy, Roy, and Jack -- that is, Cline, Orbison, and Daniels.
Tom Venturino, Encinitas, CA
He sat on the tailgate of his truck, an old Ford Ranger as blue as the summer sky (although it was now winter), sucking on the ass end of his cigarette, taking puffs to the beat of his speakers as they blared an old Beetles tune, you know the one.
Samuel Gallentine, Battle Ground, WA
Retired professional school dance chaperone, Ted Wilkerson, wandered the day room, prying couples apart with his chipped wooden cane, sneering and insisting, “Leave room for Jesus, you’ll be meeting him soon enough,” and “Let’s keep these crusty arrhythmic shamblings G-rated, folks.”
Grant Gordon, North Sutton, NH
It was a dark and shiny tube that Nurse Johnson slowly intubated into the patient's left nostril when suddenly Dr. Barbarino bent over to old man Kotter's ear and shouted, "Up your nose with a rubber hose!" whereupon old man Kotter tried to snort laugh but choked and died because he had a tube up his nose.
His hot, fetid breath on the back of her neck pulled her from her sleep and she felt fear grip her as she recognized his presence and scrambled quickly to untangle herself from the sheets and exit the bed before Felix could hack up the forthcoming hairball.
Krista Epton, Edmonton, Canada
Puzzles, as Naomi was beginning to realise, after moving past beginner 500-piece illustrations into 2000-piece close-ups of nature, were the easy part of the competition—going head-to-head with a grandmother from Limerick on a 2,500-piece of cherry blossom needed finesse and technique along the lines of a tiny slingshot aimed at the bitch's corner pieces.
Standing at the altar, dressed in white, Lucy could not help but think of the suitors she had turned down—Jock, Dick, and Willy—all lovely men, but not as lovely as her ultimate choice, now standing proudly at her side, to whom the vicar turned and questioned, “Do you, John Thomas, take Lucy . . . ?”
David Hynes, Bromma, Sweden
All I can say is that I have never been so insulted (even by the likes of my moronic sister (who seems to delight in making me uncomfortable (and she is so good at it, knowing just how to push my buttons (which I think is a skill that all siblings possess to some extent (which I believe proves some sort of genetic link (despite the fact that I really enjoyed genetics in school (relating on so many levels to Gregor Mendel and his peas (but of course peas make me gag, since my throat swells when I eat them)))))))) as I was by someone suggesting that I have ADD.
She took a deep lungful of honeysuckle-scented air, though it didn't smell like honeysuckle because she lived in Colombia and that plant was not endemic to where she lived (but it is endemic to the author’s home, so in this story the air smells sweet like whatever’s similar in Colombia, and our story takes place there) and she wondered idly what that sweet smell in the air was.
Everett Roberts, Washington, DC
As he left the cemetery after his grandmother's funeral, Victor wondered if Hollywood screen legend Robert Taylor had been interred under his real name, Spangler Arlington Brugh, and if so, how had they managed to fit all the letters onto his gravestone—an inappropriate thought on this sad family occasion, particularly so because his grandma's favourite movie actor had been Spencer Tracy.
David Silver, Greater Manchester, England
Accidentally dropping her phone, eyelids, and fake Ottawa Valley accent was not what Sarah Hemsworthington did best, or most often, or with the most confidence in her family of nine rather nasty siblings, and step-siblings, and half-to-one-quarter siblings—but it sure came close!
Marty Williams, Guelph, Ontario, Canada
It seemed a cruel irony to Nigel when he realized, only in hindsight, how mistaken he had been to abandon his youthful ambition to become a technical writer and bend to his parents' wishes that he go into proctology.
Scott Wilson, Corvallis, OR
The fun had seemed innocent at first—simple handstands and easy dismounts, but as the hours passed the routines became more intricate and aggressive with cartwheels and round-offs, competitive and risky with back walkovers and flipping twists, until the twins’ mother ordered them to stop the nonsense and return Grandpa’s walker so he finally could get to the dinner table.
Scott G. Witmer, Allentown, PA
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